This is grieving the absence of them from your life, the things that you thought would happen, the promises that were made, and basically any fantasy’s that had built up as a result of your relationship or connection to them, however brief it was.
The difficulty in accepting someone for who and what they are is that it does force us to have to look a little closer to home at ourselves.
It’s letting go of what you thought might be and what you thought they were and accepting the reality of who they are. Holding on to anger, indignation, and sorrow is quite easy.
It is important to work your way through the loss and process what has happened and grieve the loss of them otherwise you will get trapped in your feelings of rejection which aside from stalling the grieving process, may cause you to react to those feelings and do stuff that at best is embarrassing and at its worst, humiliating, only for you to still have to feel the loss and end up feeling rejected all over again.
Spend some time writing out your thoughts (download my free Unsent Letter mini workbook) or at least if you’re going to think about your ex, commit to always answering these two questions: 1) What does this mean about him and the relationship?
(Draw a conclusion) 2) What can I learn from this and apply to my future experiences?
You’re voicing your thoughts but not really listening to them.
A number of readers actually put a time in their diary that they are allowed to think about their ex and for the rest of the day, there is no room in the inn!
It’s how you feel about you as a result of the fact that they’re no longer there.
It’s the unanswered questions, it’s listening to the tape of your relationship playing back and wondering what you missed, latching on to something that was said and wondering if that was the start of it all, blaming yourself, sometimes feeling ashamed that you were with them or ashamed that you still want them, remembering the ‘good times’ and then feeling the longing, or feeling indignant that things that they said or professed themselves to be were not what it was.
You also have to factor in that particularly with unhealthy pairings, they don’t it easy to move on from them because they often like to pop up in your life and keep a foothold.
But this is why you have to go back to the fact that you and only you are in charge of your experience and that you have to steer yourself out of the breakup waters into the calmer sea of acceptance.
Talking about your ex and rehashing what happened actually breathes life into them, especially if in talking about it, you don’t process the information and draw a conclusion and instead ‘rewind’ and start over – talking can be cathartic but make sure you’re not reliving your relationship and holding on and are instead using it to draw a conclusion and move on to looking at something else about them.